Love Advice, Love Emma

Answering your love advice questions as only Emma knows how...

Emma'sThing
Posted on 11/1/2012

I am a writer, a lover, a girl and a professional eater (to my own standards). I have many
opinions and much commentary about most things and one of the biggest topics I like to
discuss is sex. And love. And relationships. Because, to me, those topics are the most universal
in the world. Who hasn’t been confused about how relationships are supposed to go and had
100 questions about it all? Who’s never vented to a friend about your boyfriend’s annoying
smirk when he knows he’s right and if that means you should probably dump him?

Because I consider myself a somewhat profesh in these areas of life, sometimes I like to go
onto the internet, find relationship/love questions strangers send into random websites for
relief, and answer them myself. Call it twisted, but it’s fun for me to pretend I actually have a
say and what it would be like to not sugarcoat anything and just tell people the real truth.

 

The post will be laid out as follows:

1. The question
2. My initial facial reaction to the question
3. My answer

 

Buckle yer’ seatbelts and hang on tight – this bitch is about to fly off the handle.

 

Question 1.

I'm in my early 30s and my girlfriend of seven years is in her mid-20s. We've lived together for five years
and while we're not married yet, there's no doubt in my mind that she is the woman I'd love to spend the
rest of my life with. The only hiccup in our relationship is our wildly differing sex drives. Her drive is like
four or five times a week and mine is like never.

 

Love Advice Love Emma

 

Dude, you suck. Do you know how LUCKY you are to have a vibrant, mid-20 girlfriend who
wants to hump you 24/7? Hey, who am I: “wahhh my life is so terrible. I’m a 30-something
bachelor with an overly horny girlfriend and I never wanna have sex. Wahhhh.” GET IT
TOGETHER, MAN. Or better yet, go get checked. For something. I don’t know what but for
something. Because CLEARLY something is wrong with you. I mean, I get it. Sex takes a lot of
energy – especially if it’s good sex. Most of the time, you can’t think of anything but sleep and
maybe some food afterwards if the job got done. However, to say you “like never” want it is a
whole other story. There’s some serious role reversal happening in this situation and it makes
me very uncomfortable. Is she constantly making the move and being rejected by you? When
she actually gets you to participate, are you grimacing and sighing heavily (in a non-sexual
way) the entire time? You should feel like the luckiest man alive that, after SEVEN YEARS, this
girl still wants your tater tots. Maybe you need to date an asexual human and she needs a
dude with an actual weiner and some testosterone flowing. Also, please find out what kind of
medication she is or isn’t on so I can follow suit and get on her level. Thanks.

 

Question 2.

I have been married for more than 20 years. My husband had some affairs (with different women) three
years ago. I know that he is still talking to these women. I have not been able to gain back the trust and
love that I once had. He constantly calls me fat when our younger child is nearby. He pinches me until I
tell him to stop because it hurts. He jokes, "I haven't even begun to hurt you."

 

Love Advice Love Emma

 

Okay, so I’ve never been married and I don’t know what it would be like to even have to
consider divorce and the shitting upon of your entire life as you know it – but I do know one
thing: YOU’RE MARRIED TO A SOCIOPATH AND YOU’RE STILL MARRIED TO HIM RIGHT
NOW. Have you checked under the bed or in the back of the closet for human bones or animal
carcasses? Does he mutter Nazi jargon under his breath during his sleep? If I were you, I would
pack up the kids in carry-ons (literally just shove them into small suitcases), pay some black
market dude for fake passports and get the HELL out of dodge. As a side note, this particular
question was labeled as “He Can Be Awful Sometimes.” Everyone can be awful sometimes.
I can be awful when I don’t shower for two days straight but expect to have sex. But that
also isn’t the equivalent of CALLING SOMEONE FAT AND PINCHING THEM SO IT HURTS AND
HAVING MULTIPLE AFFAIRS. Close, but not the equivalent. I can’t.

 

Question 3.

I am currently dating a great guy. While part of me definitely sees him as the man I can build a life
with, part of me can't stop thinking about the life I wouldn't have if I marry him. For example, I always
envisioned having a big family. However, he only wants two kids. I love dogs; he is allergic. I'm Jewish;
he is Christian. I'm up for having an adventure at some point in my life; he is content moving to his
hometown and staying at the same job for thirty years. By no means do I think negatively of what he
wants, but when we talk about these things, his general answer is, "We'll deal with it when the time
comes."

 

Love advice Love Emma

 

The say “opposites attract,” but what they fail to explain is that opposites attract on surface
level stuff. You like pink, he likes black. You like olives, he hates them. You have brown hair,
his is blonde. These are the types of opposites they really mean. Fundamental opposites are
a whole other, intense playing field. A playing field that is very hard to change or alter in any
way and needs to be wholly accepted off the bat or you’re gonna end up like Mrs. Pinchy Fatty
Abused Lady and running for the hills. I feel like if I’ve learned anything thus far in my dating
life it’s that his dog alleriges won’t go away; if he doesn’t already have an innate love for lox
and bagels and have a ton of neuroses, he’s not gonna convert to Judaism; if he has made it
known he doesn’t like to travel and has no plans on spending hard earned money on a trip to
the west coast and staying at a cute bed and breakfast, you will end up crying in the corner of
your closet resenting the shit out of him. It’s how the saying goes: “Consider how hard it is to
change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”
There’s a vast difference between being upset that he leaves his dirty underwear on the floor
and trying to break him of the habit, and with being upset that he refuses to observe Hanukkah
and wants to invest all of your money while you’re wearing jeans from four seasons ago.

Something key to note here: no one is allergic to dogs. And if they are, they suck it up because
a life without dogs is no life at all.

 

Question 4.

I am in my mid-20s and have been dating a wonderful man for a few months. He is all that I am looking
for -- smart, kind, attentive, interesting, funny, and fun to be with. I would venture to say that I love him.
I'm very physically attracted to him, trust him, and know he feels the same way about me. I would like
letter readers to know that I am in therapy because I suffer from anxiety, often connected to relationships.

I'm scared because I know most relationships don't last forever. I'm scared because some of my friends
are getting married and I really don't feel ready for that. I'm scared because I will probably leave this
city in the next year or two. I'm scared because I don't really know what I want from my career or from
a relationship, but I want to be open-minded about exploring the possibilities, especially when I've met
someone so great.

How do I hold all these "knowings" and "not-knowings" and be OK with them? How do I stop myself from
running away from a relationship that is really healthy, fun, and great? How do I let myself be in my mid-
20s without taking myself so seriously?

 

Love Advice Love Emma

 

EMMA? IS THAT YOU? ME? OMG. I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON YOU NOT WRITING INTO A
PUBLIC FORUM WEBSITE, YOU TWO-TIMING BITCH!!! No, but really. Welcome to being in your
mid-20s and dating. Shit is complicated. Everyone is getting married and engaged and baby-
making (in that order, too) and no matter how much you choose to ignore it, the pressure is
there. It’s palpable. How are we supposed to sit back and enjoy just casually dating someone
when EVERYONE WE KNOW is getting rocks put on their dainty fingers and squealing like pigs
over wedding pages on Pinterest? I understand and feel you, girl. That’s why I’m extending
a hug your way in this picture (if you couldn’t tell). It sounds to me like you need to admit
to yourself you may not be ready for anything serious – no matter how cute, sweet, and
interesting this guy is. You have some commitment issues and ya know what? That’s okay. So
do I. So do a lot of people in their 20s unless you’re a Mormon or a Southern Belle who was
born to be wedded and birth 7 kids by age 25. These examples cause the rest of us to believe
that our lives are completely off-track and we obviously need to figure EVERYTHING out right
now for the next 15 years or we’re screwed. So, without being fully ready, we pretend we are
and try so hard to convince ourselves this guy is the real deal and I guess we have to start
thinking about “forever,” and WHEW – my life is on track finally! Matrimony and settling down,
HERE I COME! NO. This is not the way to go about it. If I’ve learned anything thus far in my
dating and romantic life, it’s how much sooner in you are able to realize whether it’s worth it or
not. Not only that, but I’ve also learned how to be honest with myself and listen to my gut since
I tend to have explosive diarrhea when my anixety is high and I know something isn’t right
about my current situation. You can still find guys to makeout with, but I think for now it’s best
that you remain on your own and don’t invest even a pinky in a relationship since your anxiety-
ridden mind is going 1,000 directions at all times. Also, I would demand a full-refund from
your therapist since you’re trying to find answers to your questions by writing into a random
website. Might as well just walk into your sessions week after week and shove cash wads into

your therapist’s mouth and leave without speaking because it’d be the equivalent to what you’re
getting out of it now. Also, Lexapro.

 

Question 5.

I was lucky enough to meet a great guy a few weeks ago. We really hit it off and spend most of our free
time together. I honestly love being around him. We share so many of the same ideals, hobbies, and
humor. I've never clicked with someone so quickly, or felt so safe and secure. But for as much I like him
when I am with him, when I am away from him and have time to think, there are some things that don't
sit well with me. He is very open about the fact that he was devastated when his last relationship ended,
and a lot of our conversations always seem to end up back at him pointing out how he had wanted his ex
to be more like me. This makes me feel jealous -- like he wishes it were her beside him, not me. Is that my
own insecurity, or will I always fall short because I'm not her? On top of that he is unemployed, not as
financially stable as I am, and has pretty terrible criminal record from when he was younger.

 

Love advice Love emma

 

You’re an idiot. I’m gonna take a blood-red flag and smack you in the face with it until you
wake up. Allow me to paraphrase what I just read from you: “I met this guy and he’s so great
but also is still completely hung up on his ex and is a loser with no job who maybe killed
small animals or robbed a bank when he was a juvenile. But I just like him sooooo much and
we CLICK!” I click with the cashier at the liquor store and make her laugh, but that doesn’t
mean we should be together. The thing is, no matter how much we want to discount what
our youthful experiences mold us into, there’s no denying they have a major impact. And the
fact that this dude has a “pretty terrible criminal record” from when he was younger would be
enough to send me running for the hills. What’s “younger”? Like a month ago? A year ago?
10 minutes before arriving at your house and the warm body is still in the car? I know, I’m
being dramatic. But, honey child, all the signs are there and you’re trying to cover them up
with humor, hobbies and “clicking.” Yes, he should keep his mouth clean of his girlfriend’s
name or every discuss comparing the two of you, and yes, it’s never easy to be with someone
who is financially unstable and jobless, but HE MAYBE MIGHT HAVE KILLED SOMEONE OR
SOMETHING WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER AND WAS BEHIND BARS FOR IT. LET’S LOOK AT THE
BIGGER PICTURE HERE.

 

That’s enough for today. We’re done here. Keep your heart open and your eyes even opener.

-emma

 

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