25 Tips For College Students
25 tips for college students, from a 25 year old
Posted on 11/6/2012
1. Stuff your face, daily. Stuff it so hard that you can’t breathe from the amount of shit
you’re consuming. Because once you’re in the working world, eating pizza at 3am and washing
it down with more pizza at 3:05am doesn’t fair well. You want that bagel for breakfast? You
EAT that bagel for breakfast. CARBS FOR LIFE. You’ll burn it off from your walk to class,
2. Go out even when you would rather stab your own eyeballs out and buzz your head.
If your friend approaches you with an impromptu drunken Tuesday night, take the offer. Throw
your hair up in a bun, put on some jeans and fucking GO PARTY. Better yet, keep your PJs on –
you will get away with that look in college. People will write it off as you being a young, dumb
broad. JUST GO DRINK WITH YOUR FRIENDS. You will regret that you didn’t in a few
years when you’re in bed at 9pm on another Tuesday night, fretting over Excel spreadsheets and
whether or not you can get away with wearing that kinda shorter skirt to the office tomorrow.
3. Skip class. A lot. It won’t matter in the long run. My senior year, I was in a screenwriting
class that was only once a week for two hours – I shit you not when I say I went to every other
week of class. And I STILL wrote a 30-page screenplay for my final and passed with flying
colors. Good role model? Not at all. But hey. I’m a semi-functioning adult who pays my own
rent, so I didn’t mess up too badly. All that matters is that I graduated, DAMMIT. And clearly
gained incredible people skills since I had to woo friends into checking me into classes I decided
not to attend. That’s why I’m in sales, y’all!
4. Take advantage of the fact that your rent rate is ridiculously low. I used to pay $350/
month for my junior year apartment and $475/month for my senior year house. Those numbers
make me want to projectile vomit nowadays. If my rent price was still that low, I could be
unemployed and buying $200 tops from Anthropologie and wiping my ass with $20 bills while
taking swigs out of a $30 bottle of wine without a second thought. Instead, I had to come to the
grim realization that one of my bi-weekly checks per month is solely for rent and bills and the
other is half is for more bills and for spending on things my delusional self thinks I can afford.
And THAT, my young friends, is depressing.
5. Stop worrying about your figure and your weight. You don’t even KNOW what
you’re in for once you hit 25, so SOAK. IT. UP. And by “IT” I mean grease. And fat. And fried
everything. And beer.
6. On that note, please continue to consume drive-thru until you’ve graduated. Once
you’re an “adult,” it’s way more unacceptable to state that you had Taco Bell or Wendy’s for
dinner. People don’t say “OMG me too!” They say “What, why? Did you run out of quinoa
and fresh veggies?” More importantly, your body can’t handle the mystery meat in a fast food
hamburger after a certain age. The last time I consumed a Whataburger #1 combo meal, my gas
could’ve killed a small village. It was ungodly.
7. Makeout a lot and have sex, but try not to be a skank about it. That’s so cliché – being “wild” and slutty in college. Soak up the awkwardness of hooking up in a frat’s communal sleeping area with only curtains to provide privacy. Go with the fact that you
actually fully trust in those said curtains to block out every move and noise made within
the frat bunk bed. Allow yourself to believe it’s just as good as being in a bedroom with
actual walls and a locking door. Also, please note, that sex gets better after college. Better
but more infrequent. Because random “hookups” aren’t something to giggle and brag
about anymore the morning after when you’re eating cold pizza with your roommates and
feigning disgust at your sexual ways. After-college sex is like discovering a unicorn – so
amazing, like nothing you’ve ever seen or experienced but an enigma – a riddle wrapped
in a mystery. You have it, then it’s gone. It’s like magic that leaves you wanting more and
knowing that you probably won’t find it again for another eight months or so. Take full
advantage of the fact that you live within walking distance of a house full of horny, young
males who would make out with a bag of bread if it had a vagina.
8. That said, keep condoms on your person. If you’re a girl, feel no shame in keeping a
few in your purse. You might be a slut, but at least you’re a SAFE slut. And boys – this
should be a no-brainer. Don’t be an asshat.
9. If you want to be in a sorority, be in one. If you don’t, don’t. Feel zero pressure either
way. Hell, I dropped out of mine after 2.5 years. REBEL. With no cause.
10. Discover tequila and start learning to love it. But be sure your first ever shot of this
sneaky liquid isn’t top-shelf shit or you’re forever screwed. Start off with the crappy, yellow
junk and slowly graduate to clear Patron shots. I was doomed from the start with tequila, my
first shot being some of the smoothest there is on the market. After that, I decided tequila was
my poison of choice and proceeded to host a “watch Emma drink as many shots as cheap tequila
as she can” night and ended up on the floor of my sister’s apartment, covered in popcorn by
8pm. I then took it upon myself to call an ex, yell into the phone that I had planned on losing my
virginity to him, hang up and pass out in a bed. Aye yi yi.
11. Don’t waste time cleaning your apartment or house. We all know that living spaces in
college towns are some of the nastiest, foulest dwellings in the world. Senior year, our house’s
floors and walls didn’t attach. There were just huge gaps all over the house with exposed
whatever it is that’s underneath wood floors. But we still cleaned and tried to keep things tidy.
This was a waste of time. I mean, be sure you at least do laundry and that there isn’t mold in
your bathroom and rotten chicken sitting out on the kitchen counter, but other than that… you
could spend that time doing so many more productive things. Like watching Real Housewives or
getting frozen yogurt late on a Wednesday night.
12. Relish in your visits home. Take pleasure in the fact that you get to regress mentally for a
week and have your mom clean up after you. Enjoy being with your family and don’t make your
entire Christmas vacation about seeing old high school friends who never meant anything to you
and getting awkwardly drunk at their parents’ homes. You have college for drinking now – take
a break, for Christ’s sake. Oh, and steal toilet paper. And paper towels. Start early because it
gets your mom and dad used to their gradually depleted stock over the years. I still refuse to buy
paper goods from the store – I wait until I visit my parents and load up then. It’s okay. They love
13. Get in drunken, belligerent yelling fights. Because once you’re in adult world, that
shit doesn’t fly as easily. In college, you can blame the ah-ah ah ah-ah ah-cohol for your crass
behavior and irrational conclusion that your best friend is judging your outfit and your boyfriend
is obviously breaking up with you tonight since he hasn’t responded to your last 15 texts. When
you’re 23+, people just think you’re an alcoholic – plain and simple.
14. Break up with your boyfriend if you aren’t totally, 150%, without a doubt SURE that you
are going to marry him. If you have ANY sort of question about whether he is “the one” for
you, get it over with now instead of having to go through the great, after-college breakup.
Because that breakup is like trying to knock over a vending machine – it’s heavy as shit
and takes at least 2 or 3 tries to get it down. I am telling you, the agony and confusion that
comes with breaking up with your college boyfriend when you knew (mostly) all along that it
wasn’t forever is NOT WORTH IT. I have battle scars.
15. On that same note, if you’re new to college and still dating your high school boyfriend
– GIVE IT UP. You’re not going to love him in the next few years, and I’m here to help you
realize that now and save you from the inevitable. Consider me an oracle.
16. Call your fucking parents.
17. However, NEVER DRUNK CALL YOUR PARENTS. You may think this is a good idea
at the time, but trust me – IT’S NOT. Even if you have the coolest parents this side of the
Mississippi, leave them alone when you’re inebriated.
18. When your parents do you the favor of coming up to visit for a football game weekend,
don’t get so drunk that you pass out and miss reservations at an expensive restaurant that you
otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford if they weren’t in town visiting. Yes, I did this and yes, I
still regret it.
19. Plan and flawlessly execute a Senior Spring Break trip. This was the only year I actually
participated in a typical “spring break” extravaganza and let me tell you something – ALL
SENIORS should do this. We drove from Kansas to Florida and it wasn’t until halfway
through the road trip that I realized I had worn my UGG boots and had no flip-flops packed.
Do a Senior Spring Break or it will haunt you forever.
20. Fuck libraries. Wait. Fuck IN libraries. Just kidding. That is so cliché and way too nerve-
21. Walk home from bars alone. Not a lot, but at least a few times. It builds character. No, I’m
not kidding. Every quality collegiate campus has a rapist, but don’t think you’re so special
that you’ll be one of his victims on one of your many drunken walks home from the bar.
That walk home alone allows you to think and become full of the sort of adrenaline that we
adults now only get from a car mindlessly drifting over into our lane on the commute home.
Plus, once you move to a big city, walking home from a bar isn’t even an option. You would
literally have to be insane to not hail a cab. Or dumb enough to drive your car home (guilty).
Relish in the moment of it being late, you being tired and drunk, and deciding that you
should probably just power walk home by yourself. And remember: if anyone approaches
you, just start acting insane.
22. Laugh when your bank account is negative and have fun trying to figure out how you’re
going to survive on just $4 until Friday. Because, soon enough, you will be crying and
homeless if these two situations ever occur in your adult life.
23. Get all of your weird-ass fashion urges out of your system now, because once you
graduate, it’s going to be a terrible struggle being able to express your inner fashion-diva
in a work environment while also being sure that you look professional and like you don’t
have the clap. Wear all that torn shit, hippie shit and dirty shit while you can. Otherwise, you
WILL be referred to as a “hipster” and people won’t respect you. Sporting funky hats when
you sit in a cube for eight hours is just uncalled for. People will talk.
24. Stay on campus for at least one summer. Going to college summer school is THE BEST.
The best. Take your best year of college and multiple that happiness and fun by 10x and
THAT’S what college summer school is like. Barely any foot traffic. No lines at bars. Almost
empty classrooms. And, if you plan it right, one class a day and the rest of the day to play.
Also, if you’re lucky, you’ll completely let yourself go one of those summers and gain 10
pounds and grow your breasts to DD. Not speaking from personal experience or anything…
25. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Don’t take much seriously unless it’s death or something life
threatening. Live it up and enjoy every waking moment, even if they’re terrible ones and
you’re crying over a boy or because you failed an exam. Life goes on and, trust me, it doesn’t
get much better than where you are right now. At least not until you’re married and settled.
The interim is just torture.
Hugs and frat beers,
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